As OK Go Says, Here We Go Again

There are few things in life that you can count on. Me getting my period every damn month is unfortunately one of them.

However, this means that I am go for my next round of hybrid meds (pills and injectables) and insemination. We are doing the super high dose of meds this month that before gave me 4 good follicles and forced my insemination to be cancelled. This time they promise not to cancel the insemination and made me promise not to freak out if I get pregnant with multiples. I said, "Just get me pregnant, that's all I care about."

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound just to make sure that I don't have any ovarian cysts as they won't let me do the meds if I have them. If all goes well, treatment will begin (again).

Game On

My break from treatment is over. I had my appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday to reestablish care and explore my options. I was an emotional wreck during my appointment. During my six month break, I think I just let all of the sorrow, anger, frustration, and fear build up inside me and once I sat there with her and looked at a sign on the table that had a picture of a baby and the word "Hope" I just lost it. I could not stop crying. It's not like I got horrible news or anything. She just suggested trying two more IUI cycles with hybrid therapy. After that, she recommends moving on to IVF. (The price list for IVF was overwhelming but we will jump off that bridge when and if we get there.) I guess I am just scared to start all of the turmoil again. She very gently recommended that I see a therapist specializing in infertility and gave me a few names. Poor thing must have thought I was completely crazy, crying nonstop for no reason. I will definitely take her up on it because I am having trouble dealing with all of this, especially with Mother's Day coming up. Treatment will begin again with my next cycle.

Broken

This song really resonates with me. It’s about brokenheartedness, hope, and faith. All things I have toiled with on this journey thus far.


Song: Broken
Artist: Lifehouse
Album: Who We Are

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what
You will throw my way
And I'm hanging on
To the words you say
You said that I will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holding)
Barely holding on to you