I'm Back, But Haven't Reboarded the Ride

Although I have taken a break from treatment, it has been impossible for me to take a break from thinking about my infertility every single day. I don't restart treatment until May. I was supposed to restart in April but, ironically, cannot due to the fact that my Reproductive Endocrinologist is on maternity leave. At least I know that she can make people pregnant!

I recently received the March-April 2008 issue of Stepping Stones: Offering Christian Support for Couples Facing Infertility or Pregnancy Loss. The theme of this issue was "What Couples Longing for Children Wish Others Knew." I completely related to (and cried my way through) the article “Longing for a baby: what my life is like” by MaDonna Medley. Here are some excerpts from the article with some minor adaptations made to make it more applicable to myself.

• To wake me up in the morning, I need an alarm clock because there are no little ones to jump onto my bed urging me to wake up.
• I take my time getting ready in the morning, because I don’t have anyone to dress but myself.
• I have no clue what it’s like to have a dryer full of little clothes that are “so aggravating” to fold.
• My picture frames are filled with pictures of other people’s children because I haven’t had an opportunity to capture the beauty in the faces of my own.
• When I want to have a quiet moment, all I have to do is turn off the television.
• We haven’t had a formal picture taken since our wedding because we feel incomplete.
• No, I don’t know what labor pains feel like.
• No, I don’t know what it feels like to carry your world in your womb for nine months.
• I can’t plan children, only times to try for them.
• My husband and I don’t have any family portraits because we don’t have a “family” as defined by our world.
• I feel guilty every day.
• I feel like a failure to God, my husband, my parents, and myself.
• I’ve never heard “I love you Mommy!”
  
  If you have never experienced the pain of infertility, you can’t relate. However, you can pray for us. We long to have what you have. If we don’t congratulate you about your pregnancy or your new baby, or if we walk out of the room during a baby shower or baptism, please don’t be offended. These moments remind us of what’s missing in our lives.
  Don’t miss an opportunity to hug, kiss, or play with your children. Take advantage of every moment you have with them. Take care of them and raise them to love the Lord. And never miss the opportunity to say to your children. “I love you!”