I'm Back, But Haven't Reboarded the Ride

Although I have taken a break from treatment, it has been impossible for me to take a break from thinking about my infertility every single day. I don't restart treatment until May. I was supposed to restart in April but, ironically, cannot due to the fact that my Reproductive Endocrinologist is on maternity leave. At least I know that she can make people pregnant!

I recently received the March-April 2008 issue of Stepping Stones: Offering Christian Support for Couples Facing Infertility or Pregnancy Loss. The theme of this issue was "What Couples Longing for Children Wish Others Knew." I completely related to (and cried my way through) the article “Longing for a baby: what my life is like” by MaDonna Medley. Here are some excerpts from the article with some minor adaptations made to make it more applicable to myself.

• To wake me up in the morning, I need an alarm clock because there are no little ones to jump onto my bed urging me to wake up.
• I take my time getting ready in the morning, because I don’t have anyone to dress but myself.
• I have no clue what it’s like to have a dryer full of little clothes that are “so aggravating” to fold.
• My picture frames are filled with pictures of other people’s children because I haven’t had an opportunity to capture the beauty in the faces of my own.
• When I want to have a quiet moment, all I have to do is turn off the television.
• We haven’t had a formal picture taken since our wedding because we feel incomplete.
• No, I don’t know what labor pains feel like.
• No, I don’t know what it feels like to carry your world in your womb for nine months.
• I can’t plan children, only times to try for them.
• My husband and I don’t have any family portraits because we don’t have a “family” as defined by our world.
• I feel guilty every day.
• I feel like a failure to God, my husband, my parents, and myself.
• I’ve never heard “I love you Mommy!”
  
  If you have never experienced the pain of infertility, you can’t relate. However, you can pray for us. We long to have what you have. If we don’t congratulate you about your pregnancy or your new baby, or if we walk out of the room during a baby shower or baptism, please don’t be offended. These moments remind us of what’s missing in our lives.
  Don’t miss an opportunity to hug, kiss, or play with your children. Take advantage of every moment you have with them. Take care of them and raise them to love the Lord. And never miss the opportunity to say to your children. “I love you!”

Get Me Off This Ride

It was a crushing blow to learn that my first complete round of injectables with IUI was a failure. This is the first time that I even feel up to talking about it. This is my second failed insemination and they say that if you don't get pregnant by the third, chances are that it will not work for you. I am too scared and too emotionally exhausted right now to try round three. I feel like I need to take a mental health break from this emotional roller coaster so that is what I am doing. I am meeting with my doctor again on March 25 and until then, I am going to try to relax and focus on me. I could say that I will take these three months off of thinking about my infertility but that would be a lie. I think about it every time I see a baby or hear someone talk about their children, every time a patient asks me if I have any kids or I see some adorable baby clothes in the store. No, I cannot block my brain from focusing on the giant gaping hole in my heart but at least I can take a little while where I don't let the obsession of infertility treatments and the devastation that inevitably happens every month run my life. I will sign back on in the spring. Until then...

Waiting

Well, I finally got to complete an IUI cycle with the hybrid medication. Everything looked good to go on my day 10 ultrasound so I gave myself the Ovidrel injection to cause the egg to release on Tuesday night and had my IUI Thursday morning. Now we are in the torturous 2 weeks of anxious anticipation to see if it worked.

Cycle 18

It has now been a year and a half of trying. Last cycle didn't work but that isn't surprising. Today I had my day 3 monitoring ultrasound to see if I can go ahead with the hybrid therapy and insemination this cycle. Everything looked good which apparently means that the cyst I had last cycle is gone. Yea! This time I will be using Femara and half the Gonal-F strength as two cycles ago to prevent overstimulation. Please wish me luck!

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Stop by the RESOLVE website and you can send a letter to your House representatives to encourage them to support The Family Building Act of 2007 (HR 2892), introduced by Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) which would require insurance coverage of infertility treatments (including IVF) by all health plans that also cover obstetrical benefits. You can also send a message to your senator to support The Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act, introduced by Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) and Joe Wilson (R-SC) which would make permanent the tax credit available for families who adopt. There are also other resources and information. Please follow the link below:
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=evt_niaw07

Dissapointments and Delays

So, we did not get the anniversary present that we were hoping for. I guess I would have gotten the same result if I had followed their instructions so nothing ventured nothing gained. Nonetheless, the two weeks of anxious anticipation followed by the blow of failure is really wearing on me.

The plan for cycle 17 was to do the hybrid therapy again, Femara pills plus Gonal-F shots, but to cut the dose of the Gonal-F in half to decrease the chance of over ovulating again. So I went in for my day 3 ultrasound to make sure that everything was good to go and found out that I couldn't do the treatment this month because I have a 17 mm cyst in my right ovary. Gonal-F can increase the size of cysts so they do not allow people to take it if they have cysts that are too big. Last cycle I had one that was 15 mm, just below the cutoff, so I was okay but this time I was above the cutoff so no Gonal-F for me. What a bummer. But what do you expect with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome? My doctor said that she would allow me to go ahead with treatment but it may not work because the ovary with the cyst may not respond to the medication or it could produce hormones on its own that would prohibit either ovary from responding. She said that there is a 80% chance that the cyst will go away on its own and I can do treatment again next cycle but if I went ahead with treatment this cycle, there would only be a 50% chance that the cyst would go away. With the lower chances of the medication succeeding, the lower chances of the cyst going away, and the cost of the treatment factored in, I made the tough decision to go ahead and skip Gonal-F and insemination this cycle. I did still take the Femara to help me ovulate but I am not holding my breath for any success this cycle. It is disappointing enough to go through treatment and not get the results you want but it is even more difficult when you can't even go through the treatment!

No IUI For Me :(

On Tuesday the clinic cancelled my intrauterine insemination. I was using Femora and Gonal-F shots and apparently they were too effective. My day 10 ultrasound and blood work looked good with one dominant follicle developing but by my day 12 ultrasound and blood work I was supercharged with 4 good follicles. They said that the risk of multiples was too high (25% chance of twins, 5% chance of triplets, 1% chance of quadruplets) so they cancelled my IUI and told me to abstain for the next week. I was quite devastated but then I thought, ' more is better than none,' so I ignored their advice and, although we didn't have the benefits of insemination, we tried the old fashioned way. I will know on our 4th anniversary, October 25, if it worked. Please say a prayer for us! And throw in that prayer the wish that I am not pregnant with more than 2 babies!