Get Me Off This Ride

It was a crushing blow to learn that my first complete round of injectables with IUI was a failure. This is the first time that I even feel up to talking about it. This is my second failed insemination and they say that if you don't get pregnant by the third, chances are that it will not work for you. I am too scared and too emotionally exhausted right now to try round three. I feel like I need to take a mental health break from this emotional roller coaster so that is what I am doing. I am meeting with my doctor again on March 25 and until then, I am going to try to relax and focus on me. I could say that I will take these three months off of thinking about my infertility but that would be a lie. I think about it every time I see a baby or hear someone talk about their children, every time a patient asks me if I have any kids or I see some adorable baby clothes in the store. No, I cannot block my brain from focusing on the giant gaping hole in my heart but at least I can take a little while where I don't let the obsession of infertility treatments and the devastation that inevitably happens every month run my life. I will sign back on in the spring. Until then...

Waiting

Well, I finally got to complete an IUI cycle with the hybrid medication. Everything looked good to go on my day 10 ultrasound so I gave myself the Ovidrel injection to cause the egg to release on Tuesday night and had my IUI Thursday morning. Now we are in the torturous 2 weeks of anxious anticipation to see if it worked.

Cycle 18

It has now been a year and a half of trying. Last cycle didn't work but that isn't surprising. Today I had my day 3 monitoring ultrasound to see if I can go ahead with the hybrid therapy and insemination this cycle. Everything looked good which apparently means that the cyst I had last cycle is gone. Yea! This time I will be using Femara and half the Gonal-F strength as two cycles ago to prevent overstimulation. Please wish me luck!

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Stop by the RESOLVE website and you can send a letter to your House representatives to encourage them to support The Family Building Act of 2007 (HR 2892), introduced by Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) which would require insurance coverage of infertility treatments (including IVF) by all health plans that also cover obstetrical benefits. You can also send a message to your senator to support The Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act, introduced by Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) and Joe Wilson (R-SC) which would make permanent the tax credit available for families who adopt. There are also other resources and information. Please follow the link below:
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=evt_niaw07

Dissapointments and Delays

So, we did not get the anniversary present that we were hoping for. I guess I would have gotten the same result if I had followed their instructions so nothing ventured nothing gained. Nonetheless, the two weeks of anxious anticipation followed by the blow of failure is really wearing on me.

The plan for cycle 17 was to do the hybrid therapy again, Femara pills plus Gonal-F shots, but to cut the dose of the Gonal-F in half to decrease the chance of over ovulating again. So I went in for my day 3 ultrasound to make sure that everything was good to go and found out that I couldn't do the treatment this month because I have a 17 mm cyst in my right ovary. Gonal-F can increase the size of cysts so they do not allow people to take it if they have cysts that are too big. Last cycle I had one that was 15 mm, just below the cutoff, so I was okay but this time I was above the cutoff so no Gonal-F for me. What a bummer. But what do you expect with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome? My doctor said that she would allow me to go ahead with treatment but it may not work because the ovary with the cyst may not respond to the medication or it could produce hormones on its own that would prohibit either ovary from responding. She said that there is a 80% chance that the cyst will go away on its own and I can do treatment again next cycle but if I went ahead with treatment this cycle, there would only be a 50% chance that the cyst would go away. With the lower chances of the medication succeeding, the lower chances of the cyst going away, and the cost of the treatment factored in, I made the tough decision to go ahead and skip Gonal-F and insemination this cycle. I did still take the Femara to help me ovulate but I am not holding my breath for any success this cycle. It is disappointing enough to go through treatment and not get the results you want but it is even more difficult when you can't even go through the treatment!

No IUI For Me :(

On Tuesday the clinic cancelled my intrauterine insemination. I was using Femora and Gonal-F shots and apparently they were too effective. My day 10 ultrasound and blood work looked good with one dominant follicle developing but by my day 12 ultrasound and blood work I was supercharged with 4 good follicles. They said that the risk of multiples was too high (25% chance of twins, 5% chance of triplets, 1% chance of quadruplets) so they cancelled my IUI and told me to abstain for the next week. I was quite devastated but then I thought, ' more is better than none,' so I ignored their advice and, although we didn't have the benefits of insemination, we tried the old fashioned way. I will know on our 4th anniversary, October 25, if it worked. Please say a prayer for us! And throw in that prayer the wish that I am not pregnant with more than 2 babies!

Inspiration

I started reading a great book today, "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" by Marlo Schalesky from which I adapted the title to my previous blog entry. It is a compilation of true stories of couples experiencing infertility and how even though they did all not find answers or get pregnant, they all found comfort in God and strength in faith. It is very insightful and deals with all sorts of problems like strained marriages, tests of faith, jealously at other people's pregnancies (especially unwanted ones), feeling punished, losing yourself to your despair, insensitive people and their unsolicited advice, etc. I have been feeling like we aren't a family anymore with Rachel in New York and a particular narrative in the book helped me realize that we are a family, even if it is just the two of us. I especially wanted to post a great poem from Chapter 18. Unfortunately, I have no clue who to credit for it.

He Is There

When dreams are as dying things
Withering in your grasp,
When hope becomes a stranger
In a parched, desolate land,
When vision has all but vanished
As mist before the fire,
He is there.
When prayers crumble at your feet
In wisps of shattered words,
When night gathers dark and deep
Shrouding trails of light,
When all seems lost forever
As if day will never dawn,
He is there.
When you look deep inside
And see the barren soil,
When despair has gained mastery
And tears have all run dry,
When there's no one left, nothing left
But the bitter taste of death,
He is there.
As He was in Gethsemane
The night before the trial,
As He was at Calvary
When nails were driven deep,
As He lay within the tomb
Before the dawn of life,
He is there.