Dissapointments and Delays

So, we did not get the anniversary present that we were hoping for. I guess I would have gotten the same result if I had followed their instructions so nothing ventured nothing gained. Nonetheless, the two weeks of anxious anticipation followed by the blow of failure is really wearing on me.

The plan for cycle 17 was to do the hybrid therapy again, Femara pills plus Gonal-F shots, but to cut the dose of the Gonal-F in half to decrease the chance of over ovulating again. So I went in for my day 3 ultrasound to make sure that everything was good to go and found out that I couldn't do the treatment this month because I have a 17 mm cyst in my right ovary. Gonal-F can increase the size of cysts so they do not allow people to take it if they have cysts that are too big. Last cycle I had one that was 15 mm, just below the cutoff, so I was okay but this time I was above the cutoff so no Gonal-F for me. What a bummer. But what do you expect with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome? My doctor said that she would allow me to go ahead with treatment but it may not work because the ovary with the cyst may not respond to the medication or it could produce hormones on its own that would prohibit either ovary from responding. She said that there is a 80% chance that the cyst will go away on its own and I can do treatment again next cycle but if I went ahead with treatment this cycle, there would only be a 50% chance that the cyst would go away. With the lower chances of the medication succeeding, the lower chances of the cyst going away, and the cost of the treatment factored in, I made the tough decision to go ahead and skip Gonal-F and insemination this cycle. I did still take the Femara to help me ovulate but I am not holding my breath for any success this cycle. It is disappointing enough to go through treatment and not get the results you want but it is even more difficult when you can't even go through the treatment!

No IUI For Me :(

On Tuesday the clinic cancelled my intrauterine insemination. I was using Femora and Gonal-F shots and apparently they were too effective. My day 10 ultrasound and blood work looked good with one dominant follicle developing but by my day 12 ultrasound and blood work I was supercharged with 4 good follicles. They said that the risk of multiples was too high (25% chance of twins, 5% chance of triplets, 1% chance of quadruplets) so they cancelled my IUI and told me to abstain for the next week. I was quite devastated but then I thought, ' more is better than none,' so I ignored their advice and, although we didn't have the benefits of insemination, we tried the old fashioned way. I will know on our 4th anniversary, October 25, if it worked. Please say a prayer for us! And throw in that prayer the wish that I am not pregnant with more than 2 babies!

Inspiration

I started reading a great book today, "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" by Marlo Schalesky from which I adapted the title to my previous blog entry. It is a compilation of true stories of couples experiencing infertility and how even though they did all not find answers or get pregnant, they all found comfort in God and strength in faith. It is very insightful and deals with all sorts of problems like strained marriages, tests of faith, jealously at other people's pregnancies (especially unwanted ones), feeling punished, losing yourself to your despair, insensitive people and their unsolicited advice, etc. I have been feeling like we aren't a family anymore with Rachel in New York and a particular narrative in the book helped me realize that we are a family, even if it is just the two of us. I especially wanted to post a great poem from Chapter 18. Unfortunately, I have no clue who to credit for it.

He Is There

When dreams are as dying things
Withering in your grasp,
When hope becomes a stranger
In a parched, desolate land,
When vision has all but vanished
As mist before the fire,
He is there.
When prayers crumble at your feet
In wisps of shattered words,
When night gathers dark and deep
Shrouding trails of light,
When all seems lost forever
As if day will never dawn,
He is there.
When you look deep inside
And see the barren soil,
When despair has gained mastery
And tears have all run dry,
When there's no one left, nothing left
But the bitter taste of death,
He is there.
As He was in Gethsemane
The night before the trial,
As He was at Calvary
When nails were driven deep,
As He lay within the tomb
Before the dawn of life,
He is there.

Empty Womb, Broken Heart

Okay, so a dramatic (and slightly plagiarized) title but I am now on cycle 16 and getting very frustrated. Cycle 14 in which I did Clomid and Metformin was not a success. Cycle 15 was my 6th and last allowable cycle with Clomid in which I did intrauterine insemination which failed. I took a pregnancy test a day early which was negative but was not without hope that I would get a positive result in a few days. But my hopes were crushed when my period arrived at work on Friday and the sorrow rushed over me like a tidal wave. I had to go into the bathroom and cry through my lunch break.

I called my doctor's office and they told me that I would have to skip the next cycle as I could not get in to see my doctor until the end of October and I obviously, couldn't start a new medication without a prescription and consultation with her. I emailed her and the angel called me right away and set a new plan into motion so I can do IUI again this cycle. I am doing what they call hybrid treatment, taking Femara pills days 3-7 of my cycle and injecting Gonal-F from day 7 until they tell me to stop. I had an ultrasound on day 3 to make sure that I didn't have ovarian cysts before I start the drugs and I will need repeat ultrasounds on day 10 and day 12. I am not sure how the IUI factors into there but I will find out on Thursday when I receive my injection instructions. I am a little nervous about the injections. I can stick a needle into other people without a problem but I may have a little trouble doing it to myself.

I felt a little better when my doctor explained why the IUI cycle failed last month. A side effect of Clomid is that it can thin out the uterine wall which effects Estrogen levels and can make it hard to get pregnant. This is why they limit the use of Clomid to 6 cycles. My uterus was quite thin on the ultrasound done the day before the IUI so a result of pregnancy would have been highly unlikely despite the fact that I had 4 good follicles and Paul's swimmers were all cleaned and polished. That made me feel less like a failure but more like WTF! why did I spend the money on an IUI that they figured wouldn't work! This new drug combo should not thin the uterus and is proven to be more effective (but more expensive) than Clomid.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this month!

Cycle 14?

I think that I am on cycle 14 now. I can't even remember. All I know is that it has been a heck of a long time. I decided to give Clomid plus Metformin a one cycle chance and, if that doesn't work, move on to insemination on my last Clomid cycle. Rachel will be leaving to go to New York at the end of this month (so sad) so it will be easier to focus on insemination and all the appointments related to it then.

We had a different leader at our RESOLVE meeting last weekend who, when noting my pessimism and Paul's optimism, talked about positive imagery and its impact on fertility and fertility treatment as she learned from the book "Getting Around the Boulder in the Road: Using Imagery to Cope with Fertility Problems" by Dr. Aline Zoldbrod. I found this very interesting but, as of yet, have been unable to get my hands on a copy of the book as it is out of print. However, from the little bit she told us, I am trying to be more positive and think of in terms of "when" I get pregnant, not "if". I also am trying not to assume that each cycle has failed and therefore look toward the next step. (I am obviously not doing well at that part since I just mentioned my next steps earlier in this blog!)

Blah

I think that I am having pre-menstrual cramps which is, as always, devastating. My doctor says that it is time to move on to insemination. I am glad to be proactively moving forward but sad that we cannot accomplish our task in a more natural manner. She added Metformin to my Clomid which is a drug given to help control Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and help increase my fertility. She confirmed that I only get 2 more cycles of Clomid. After that, it is onto more expensive shots in the stomach. I am currently debating between trying one full cycle of Clomid plus Metformin before insemination or just going for it next cycle. I have to decide soon because the ball starts rolling after day 1 of my cycle.

I forgot to mention in my last blog that at the beginning of July I went to a RESOLVE peer support group meeting. RESOLVE is the national infertility association whose mission is to provide support, education, and advocacy to the 7.3 million Americans who suffer with the disease of infertility. I met some really nice people. It was great having people who can relate to my problems. They are much further along in the infertility journey than I so they provided a lot of advice and support. It was nice to hear that I am not being selfish and illogical as I find myself increasingly annoyed with pregnant women. (This week I heard of two more people who got pregnant before they even started trying. Argh!) It was also very nice to see that infertility has made them all stronger as couples.

I also forgot to mention that I finally spoke with my mom about our fertility problems. She was awesome. I have absolutely no idea why I didn't confide in her sooner.

Long time, no blog

Apparently it has been a long time since I last posted. Sadly there have been no positive developments. Paul finally got in to see a Urologist who confirmed his teratozoospermia with another semen analysis but there is apparently nothing they can do to help. A fixable cause would be a varicocele which is a dilated blood vessel that is basically causing the little guys to be cooked to deformity but apparently he doesn't have that. He also has a normal testosterone level. So in the absence of these problems, there is nothing they can do to raise the percentage of normal sperm. He suggested intrauterine insemination which is another name for artificial insemination. They would give me drugs to stimulate ovulation (more powerful than my current Clomid) then when the time is right they would take his swimmers, wash and concentrate them, picking out only the normal ones, and place them in my uterus. My doctor has also suggested this as our next step if Clomid is unsuccessful for us. I have taken Clomid for the past 4 cycles with no success and the maximum amount of time they let you take it is 6 cycles. I see her in about an hour so I will see what she says...