The Sweet (and Slightly Nauseating) Smell of Success

Hi! I know it has been a long time since I have posted and for those of you who know me, you know that my infertility journey has finally led to pregnancy. We are overjoyed every day in saying those words. "I'm pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant". Now that all of the proper people have been informed and the craziness of the summer has started to die down, I will begin updating my blog with entries from my personal pregnancy journal.
Warning: It may take me a while to catch up.

As OK Go Says, Here We Go Again

There are few things in life that you can count on. Me getting my period every damn month is unfortunately one of them.

However, this means that I am go for my next round of hybrid meds (pills and injectables) and insemination. We are doing the super high dose of meds this month that before gave me 4 good follicles and forced my insemination to be cancelled. This time they promise not to cancel the insemination and made me promise not to freak out if I get pregnant with multiples. I said, "Just get me pregnant, that's all I care about."

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound just to make sure that I don't have any ovarian cysts as they won't let me do the meds if I have them. If all goes well, treatment will begin (again).

Game On

My break from treatment is over. I had my appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday to reestablish care and explore my options. I was an emotional wreck during my appointment. During my six month break, I think I just let all of the sorrow, anger, frustration, and fear build up inside me and once I sat there with her and looked at a sign on the table that had a picture of a baby and the word "Hope" I just lost it. I could not stop crying. It's not like I got horrible news or anything. She just suggested trying two more IUI cycles with hybrid therapy. After that, she recommends moving on to IVF. (The price list for IVF was overwhelming but we will jump off that bridge when and if we get there.) I guess I am just scared to start all of the turmoil again. She very gently recommended that I see a therapist specializing in infertility and gave me a few names. Poor thing must have thought I was completely crazy, crying nonstop for no reason. I will definitely take her up on it because I am having trouble dealing with all of this, especially with Mother's Day coming up. Treatment will begin again with my next cycle.

Broken

This song really resonates with me. It’s about brokenheartedness, hope, and faith. All things I have toiled with on this journey thus far.


Song: Broken
Artist: Lifehouse
Album: Who We Are

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what
You will throw my way
And I'm hanging on
To the words you say
You said that I will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holding)
Barely holding on to you

I'm Back, But Haven't Reboarded the Ride

Although I have taken a break from treatment, it has been impossible for me to take a break from thinking about my infertility every single day. I don't restart treatment until May. I was supposed to restart in April but, ironically, cannot due to the fact that my Reproductive Endocrinologist is on maternity leave. At least I know that she can make people pregnant!

I recently received the March-April 2008 issue of Stepping Stones: Offering Christian Support for Couples Facing Infertility or Pregnancy Loss. The theme of this issue was "What Couples Longing for Children Wish Others Knew." I completely related to (and cried my way through) the article “Longing for a baby: what my life is like” by MaDonna Medley. Here are some excerpts from the article with some minor adaptations made to make it more applicable to myself.

• To wake me up in the morning, I need an alarm clock because there are no little ones to jump onto my bed urging me to wake up.
• I take my time getting ready in the morning, because I don’t have anyone to dress but myself.
• I have no clue what it’s like to have a dryer full of little clothes that are “so aggravating” to fold.
• My picture frames are filled with pictures of other people’s children because I haven’t had an opportunity to capture the beauty in the faces of my own.
• When I want to have a quiet moment, all I have to do is turn off the television.
• We haven’t had a formal picture taken since our wedding because we feel incomplete.
• No, I don’t know what labor pains feel like.
• No, I don’t know what it feels like to carry your world in your womb for nine months.
• I can’t plan children, only times to try for them.
• My husband and I don’t have any family portraits because we don’t have a “family” as defined by our world.
• I feel guilty every day.
• I feel like a failure to God, my husband, my parents, and myself.
• I’ve never heard “I love you Mommy!”
  
  If you have never experienced the pain of infertility, you can’t relate. However, you can pray for us. We long to have what you have. If we don’t congratulate you about your pregnancy or your new baby, or if we walk out of the room during a baby shower or baptism, please don’t be offended. These moments remind us of what’s missing in our lives.
  Don’t miss an opportunity to hug, kiss, or play with your children. Take advantage of every moment you have with them. Take care of them and raise them to love the Lord. And never miss the opportunity to say to your children. “I love you!”

Get Me Off This Ride

It was a crushing blow to learn that my first complete round of injectables with IUI was a failure. This is the first time that I even feel up to talking about it. This is my second failed insemination and they say that if you don't get pregnant by the third, chances are that it will not work for you. I am too scared and too emotionally exhausted right now to try round three. I feel like I need to take a mental health break from this emotional roller coaster so that is what I am doing. I am meeting with my doctor again on March 25 and until then, I am going to try to relax and focus on me. I could say that I will take these three months off of thinking about my infertility but that would be a lie. I think about it every time I see a baby or hear someone talk about their children, every time a patient asks me if I have any kids or I see some adorable baby clothes in the store. No, I cannot block my brain from focusing on the giant gaping hole in my heart but at least I can take a little while where I don't let the obsession of infertility treatments and the devastation that inevitably happens every month run my life. I will sign back on in the spring. Until then...

Waiting

Well, I finally got to complete an IUI cycle with the hybrid medication. Everything looked good to go on my day 10 ultrasound so I gave myself the Ovidrel injection to cause the egg to release on Tuesday night and had my IUI Thursday morning. Now we are in the torturous 2 weeks of anxious anticipation to see if it worked.